My Religion Died…
…and I lost my dang mind.
I will not apologize to my neighbors nor to those standing next to me in church when I sing worship music loudly. My faith tells me not to care.
I praise in the blessings and I praise in the pain because my faith catches me when I stumble. My religion watched me fall, get scraped and didn’t even offer a bandaid.
My faith brings me peace, joy and an abundance of goodness around me. It provides even when things seem bleak or beyond my comprehension. It gives me hope. My religion never did this.
My faith has called me to write. These words surge from me without a second thought. You guessed it – my religion is not this powerful, it never was.
My faith gives me courage, strength and wisdom. My religion gave me guilt, shame and unworthiness.
So… my religion died, I lost my dang mind and – I found my heart.
Everyday I am graced with people who are part of my heart story. Chris Pratt and Kate Dufkin started a Gospel Brunch on Sundays at Lark Tavern where you will hear some soulful music. I popped by for their first one and we ended up outside where I learned Kate asks guests to paint rocks to leave by the tree. They provide the rocks, paint and even gloves so you don’t get messy. To my delight, my heart paint color and nails matched. It was clearly meant to be. #TheHeartOfAlbany rock lives there along with others art they left behind. Pop over and paint a rock, leave a little love. It’s the small things. Thanks Kate for being a part of my heart story that day.
Hello again. Welcome to The Heart of Albany. This is my blog with my heart splayed out and strewn together by these little typed letters forming words on the interwebs. I am delivering sentences that Samantha before 2023 would never have said, prior to this awakening. Have you ever been stunned by someone and they left you speechless? Imagine that person is yourself. Never happened? Me either… until now. I feel like I am Newton's cradle. The sphere on one side with its energy clashes and rushes through my body (the center spheres) surging through to the other side. Those spheres are my fingers typing this. And voila! Words appear. I will read this later and still wonder if this is Samantha Parker? Before fear sets in, before I halt typing… I am already reminding myself that this is not about my ego or yours. Much like how your ego may taunt you not to read on… my faith tests me every day for the same reasons. Is this really who I am!?
Abstratuckingfootly.
It is possible to be this assuredly abstract and absolute at the same time.
Samantha 2.0
Most of you reading this knew me before I knew Christ. You knew me when I was different. Since declaring my faith publicly January 29, 2023 with a water baptism I have been experiencing multiple life transformations. I fall and bounce back up, fall again and stumble forward even if I crawl. Apparently it’s the Christian way. It definitely isn’t linear and I am seeing things a whole lot differently everyday. Imperfect and flawed, I walk with Jesus in my heart and I have a personal relationship with him. That is something my religion never told me I could have. However I am born again. I lost that old dang mind and gained a restored, renewed heart.
Since my baptism my ego has lifted me up so high and much of that ego has also fallen off just as quickly. At times I have felt the ultimate peace of God and others I have felt completely deflated, rocked, lost and at times defeated spiritually. Woof, it’s real. And yet I won’t cave to the person I was before. Everything I have learned has surprised me tenfold. My religion would have left me hanging when I had questions, forcing me to take steps before I could be heard. Make me feel lowly and refuse to see me until I did “all the things”. My faith loves me like it did before I knew it existed. Woah.
Restoration
What does restoration look and feel like? For starters, my whole “being” is completely different and in a great way. I have a glow, a youthfulness, more gratitude, a resilience, a confidence and I am just … different. I owe Samantha 1.0 a whole lot of credit for making changes because Samantha 2.0 is so dang happy. I didn’t have a backbone, I was people pleasing, avoiding the root of issues and running towards the wrong things to make the pain go away. All because of some terrible messaging learned and a false narrative I believed. Doing what I thought others wanted me to all the while being the best at anything just to prove I was good at something. I spent far too long forcing things that just weren’t right, hanging on too long when they were clearly done or changed. I refused to let whatever it was go when it was time. And because my religion made me feel unworthy my whole life, it hindered me from having the almighty power of God by my side like I do now. I say this confidently, not dotingly, and without regret. As painful as this process of shedding has been, it has brought me complete serenity too. The reward has already been working behind the scenes and as it unfolds, it is far greater than anything I have experienced ever in my life. I am claiming it as mine, I am worthy. I don’t believe my religion would have allowed that to happen. Ugh. Religion. I don’t even like this word and wish to strike it from my vernacular.
So how did I fall so hard for my faith, so fast?
Simple. Jesus said “It is finished.”
Jesus brought hope and faith through love and only love. For you, for me and for all mankind whether you believe or not. Knowing this now, why did my religion make me feel like I needed to meet a criteria for the God I love to love me? I got curious with this and started reading the Bible and talking to Him like a lunatic. I found my heart in the process of wanting to know more about God, finding it was more about Jesus who I love so much. Instead of trying to find reasons to despise religion, I chose to spend more time with God. And because He sees my heart, how I seek Him, I feel Him rewarding me all the time. More so than I ever saw before. He is a God of restoration and providing. My heart explodes with His love and compassion. I have seen Him change others lives too, people who live wholly with Him who believe just as I, who pray relentlessly. They, and I seek His guidance everyday. It is quite remarkable what unfolds with this level of faith.
I can see why people think being born again is a brainwashing because people’s behavior patterns completely change by living in obedience and surrendering to Him. It isn't brainwashing. It’s choosing to live differently according to how He speaks through you. He provides, He heals and He restores all through His love. The playbook is the Bible, and you get to choose how you run the plays. My hope is that more people see Him shine through me so that they begin to get curious, to see Him the way I see Him. This is a completely high level personal process, and there is no judgement — I promise. When you seek Him and talk to Him, you will feel His delight move through you. My only advice is to not fight the feeling that may wash over you. Let it flow. There is no harm, no foul in feeling those feelings.
I promise that He loves with a love I have never known before. No human can give this kind of love and as you know, people may disappoint us. He has that same love for everyone. It’s on the receiver to be open enough to heed the calling and open their heart if just the tiniest little bit.
My shirt says “Shut the Fear Up” register trademarked by my friend Marie Cochran and inspired by 2 Timothy 1:7. This was such an amazing day. I felt different the moment I came out. And, I continue to change.
I attribute this awakening to opening my heart, letting it be broken, allowing myself to feel all the feelings. Hitting an all time low, lost and feeling ashamed catapulted me into finding something to believe in. Being alone in the quiet, limiting distractions and getting focused truly has helped most recently. I am learning to stop leaning into not having all the answers from my past or of the future. Learning to give it to God more, allowing Him to do what He needs to while loving myself and focusing on me, finally. And for the first time in a long time putting myself first doesn’t feel bad in the least. 1.0 would have felt super guilty. Not now, no way. I have zero guilt. I am choosing to love myself the way He sees me. In this whole healing process, I have learned that the more I love and live more like Jesus, the more abundance shows up. I trip up for sure. Ego and pride creep up still and Samantha 1.0 sneaks in. At times I catch myself still desiring to be right, or doing something out of expectation rather than just doing. That’s all part of the plan. It was written and I have to remember He said “It is finished”. I have been on an elevation year, rising out of places I had outgrown. And because of my faith, not my religion, I am not as scared of failure as much as I once was. I was fearful of not being perfect. Samantha 2.0 is far more scared of living small than anything else, and that’s what God has called me to do. And the more I walk with love, the more blessings I receive. Even when it feels heavy and hard, I have been graced with so much to be thankful for.
Speaking freely about God has come at a price in different ways though. A price I am willing to pay because His son sacrificed far greater for me. It is a wondrous thing that those who judge me are not the ones who created me, I care not what anyone thinks of me. I have everything to win by walking like Jesus and that means speaking my truth. He is far greater than my story or anything I have to say here. What He did proves that I am wholly known, fully loved and completely worthy in no one else’s eyes but His. He has put everything on my heart not in my mind. He already knows everything I have done, knows what lies ahead, I cannot hide from Him nor do I want to so I won’t. I cannot predict the future nor do I want to, I will get derailed and let down. So I would rather not know one thucking fing without Him. I have often looked up, shaking my fist as if to invite a full on boxing match with Him and then laugh because who am I kidding, He would win every dang time. Even when I wipe the tears and snot from my face I will silence my sobs long enough to hear Him tell me what to do next, and not before I give Him an eye roll. I am stubborn and want my way often. For fox sake, my heart. I owe Him all of my heart, always. My religion never taught me that’s all He wants anyway. This is my faith and I will never allow a religion nor person ever make me feel bad for being this crazily in love or this happy.
Only with my faith have I ever felt joy and pain at the same time. Processing the hurt and believing in hope. The promise of brighter days ahead, that I am restored and have so much to be grateful for.
In a quick google search, I saw that anxiety and depression are on an incline. It is 2023 and the numbers are higher than in 2020 - see article here. So how can we reverse these numbers? What is it going to take? How many will keep living while dying inside when there is a heavenly Father waiting to help with restoration? He wants you to come closer to Him.
I look around and see a whole lotta broken people clinging by a thread, lost. Many are seeking hope without really knowing where or who to turn to. Or they think they know, but they don’t really know so they grasp for the next quick fix. Some are lost or stuck in a situation making them feel less than, unworthy, depressed and worse, no will to keep on living. Whether it’s health, family, a relationship, work or an addiction. So many are afflicted.
That isn’t my story anymore. I hopped off that roller coaster and not looking back. If you are one of the ones out there seeking more, I invite you to be curious. You don’t have to take my word on any of this… your story was already written. It is no coincidence you were brought here to read this far, so the number one place I invite you to start exploring is with the Bible.
”Call to me and I will answer you,
and will tell you great and hidden things
that you have not known.” Jeremiah 33:3
Thank God my religion died.
Thank God I lost my dang mind.
Thank God I found a
heart full of
L
O
V
E.
