HELLO, I AM…

…THE SENSUOUS AND SMART SAMANTHA

Peeked your curiosity? Mine too. Perhaps I am testing the edgy waters and being bold the more I write. I needed to catch your attention. You see, there is an “S” word that’s missing from the title. This “S” word is not quite sexy, can sound kinda boring and well… one I thought I’d never say about me. Drum rollllllllll ……Sober. 

Holy shoes that feels so freaking good to say. Listen, I have nothing to gain and everything to gain from sharing and being honest. I am being called to walk you through my journey using the written word. Some will say, “who cares?” or “why do we need to know this?” Yeah, I am with you. I too have judged others who stood on a soap box proclaiming life changing statements. My life this year has been cray and I have to pinch myself sometimes because I don’t recognize myself from ten months ago. Nor even from just last week. I am on a walk to healing, accepting the things I cannot run from any longer and putting in the work most wouldn’t. I feel aligned with the “who” in the “most” category, because it’s easier to remain comfortable even when knowing something is wrong because change is an inconvenience. The only way I can uncover this awakening and keep the Heart of Albany REAL and truthful is to remove the one thing that helped me mask all of my emotions and made me a different person for all of these years. Alcohol. Today I am 43 days alcohol free. 

I am still shocked I am blogging about my recent “new” life and awakening in Albany. This blog was supposed to be about other people, small businesses and people doing amazing things that make Albany great. So we can look around and love it, and want to see it grow more. Flourish. For now, this is about me growing, and flourishing. I am sure it will evolve again and again. 

June 22, 2023 outside the Olde English Pub. My girl Sheri is a great photog! See, I can still have fun. Smile. Do silly things and not need a cape to feel comfortable in my own skin. I mean, I wasn’t truly comfortable in my own skin while drinking anyway.

Not drinking alcohol after so many years of being known as a local hospitality professional serving high end craft cocktails may seem a bit weird. If you can’t tell, I am embracing all of this weird. Before this, I had never known a “good time” without a drink. And trust me, you do you boo if you like to drink. You can drink however, whenever and even drink your face off in my presence. I won’t be tempted nor would I judge you. This journey without alcohol is mine alone. It has been long and arduous, and I was completely avoidant of making real change until recently. Just to be clear, you don’t have to be a day-after-day sloppy drunk, drinking the moment you wake to the moment you go to bed. Alcoholism looks different in all people who turn to it. For most, it doesn’t affect their life in a major way to drink socially — until it does. 

This is a long walk for me because for years I have had thoughts that maybe alcohol aided in making bad decisions but never thought I had a real problem. I don’t have an addictive personality however when I do enjoy something I could keep going, cue temptation. You all know this sober or not, that when you’re impaired, you have a higher probability of making poor decisions. For years, I was the one you came to get your “classy” fix. Your favorite drink in a glass served with a smile and grace. I loved making cocktails, testing and trying new concoctions. Perfecting the art of the cocktail from conceptualizing to the presentation, taste and using ingredients new to the market. I specialized in bringing flair in a glass in the 518, a few others were doing it too — I just had a large space and audience with deep pockets or influence to present them to. If you remember your first taste of alcohol, it was disgusting. Mine was Jack Daniels, a dare at a party at age 14. (Whoops, sorry mom!) To an untrained virgin palette, alcohol tastes awful like an astringent for your face rather than for consumption. So later in life, I found pure enjoyment in taking something that tasted awful and altering it, making it delectable. Sometimes it was so deceptively curated that you had no idea there was alcohol in it. Much like my fondness for turning dingy stark spaces into multipurpose, functional and beautiful spaces. Organizing junk drawers. Or seeing the beauty in the blight in locations most think are “ugly” and like seeing silver linings in moments of despair. The list goes on and on.

They are all quite a similar process for me and mixology was just another form. And trust, there were a whole lotta fun times with consuming it, some grave moments and mostly a lot of hazy blah “in-between”. I definitely had some really wtf moments when having consumed too much. Slurred speech, stumbling around and looking way older and ragged than my age when intoxicated. None of this is attractive I realize. I own it. It plain sucks. Some of you too I am sure. In my earlier years probably way more often than I can count. In the last ten to fifteen, more like a few monumental moments. Today though, I think that “hazy blah in between” is the most hindering and was more frequent. It’s like a holding pattern, kinda like living in Ground Hog Day except Punxsutawney Phil is a bottle of wine. Don’t get me wrong, I have had growth over the years, especially this year. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t go farther. Like… have you ever felt with a little extra effort you could break through a barrier. Or that you are just so close and not quite there? Or that there is something more for you except you really just don’t know what to do to get to the ‘next level’? That drink and function phase was sorta hindering me from really growing. Foggy, slow, discombobulated, numb, withdrawn… unable to put together clear thoughts or even truths of what really happened. Ick. This is gross to speak of. 

June 11th was the last time I tasted alcohol. I had polished off a bottle of Verminto that night by myself and woke up without a hangover the next day. And truth be told, it wasn’t just that I could drink it by myself, it was that I did this completely by myself. This wasn’t the first time I’d done this. It was just the first time I wasn’t interested in doing it again. June 12th, 2023 was the day I made the decision to not drink anymore. I was driving home from Maine after a beautiful trip away. During that trip I had explored, journaled and re-centered myself after some disorientation. I had been keeping myself far too busy and avoiding the need to take care of myself. The real stuff started showing up for me the moment I left and continues to this day. June 12th though, woah. I took Rt 1, the scenic byway, for as long as I could to stay close to the coast to see the ocean from time to time and avoid the highway.  On that drive I counted 19 thrift shops, and zero box stores. It felt like I was in a refreshing time warp. I stopped for a delicious cold lobster roll and contemplated getting a glass of white wine with my lunch. I had journaled the night before about areas I would like to make changes in my life while drinking said Vermentino, one of the areas was to stop drinking. How ironic and yet not. I ordered a club soda instead and enjoyed my lunch and felt perfectly ok without more wine with such a long drive home. When I got back on the road I thought to myself, there is no wine at home and I am not stopping for any. It was a long drive but I got in early enough to unpack everything, purge some clothes from my closet since I had bought a ton of clothes at a boutique in Portland. Holding to the “If I buy, I must remove” concept to keep to my minimalist new way of living.

I still had time to do one more thing before turning in for the night and God was nudging me for months to do this. I had been so stubborn I refused. I could feel Him tugging at my arm to go to this box that took up space in my living area that I had tripped over a few times. “Fine”, I said as I lifted the lid and plopped myself down on the floor. This was a memorabilia box that I needed to reorganize and place items in a better bin that was clean and sturdy. Chock full of my stuff from the baby era to all my years, including items that were my fathers. I sifted through many photographs, many photo albums and to my dismay, some of what I saw did not bring me joy. It made me feel kinda sick to my stomach and pretty sad. Throughout the years, through many friendships, relationships and also with family there were many photographs of me with an alcoholic beverage in hand. This reality only solidified my decision to remove it from my life. Especially since I had been on a journey to learn how to not repeat past mistakes. I had only recently asked God for help and here He showed me more evidence. I didn’t think I needed any more proof. Though most of these photos were of me having fun with others, and of many memories of travel and such, I couldn’t help but feel like alcohol defined me through those photos. I realize this makes it sound like for 20+ years I drank every night of my life. NO. Not the case, what it showed me was a lot of memories I really had saved in albums were those of which alcohol was involved. 

One of a few from many years ago. I know that this age is supposed to be all fun and so I have no regrets. I am pretty sure I was underage here, judging from the amaretto sour in my hand. Ugh, so sour! Haha

Since alcohol is a depressant, it doesn’t bode well in assisting to “break through barriers” when you are having a “rising” year. Also, drinking alone is kinda sad when you think about it. Some of you are thinking, “wait, I can drink a bottle of wine too. Is she saying I have a problem?” Or you’re feeling seen and have already been thinking these thoughts because you secretly drink by yourself. Some of you are giving me a pass like a lot of people have my whole life. “You were on vacay Sam, no big deal”. Also, some will say in response to complete abstinence “can’t you just have one?” For years, I would say yes I could. Obviously this is not correct. I wish I could say to you that a light bulb went off. This has been something I had been sitting with for a long time and suppressed because “I didn’t have a problem”. 

My mom will be so happy there is food in my fridge. I am so happy I have different liquids to select from. There is really a TON of money to be made in the NA bevvy arena. If you are curious and would like to check out hiyo feel free to help me get some rewards. :-)

Let me clarify again, I was nearly drinking every night of the week, and even before leaving for the Maine trip. I carried myself well, woke up most days just “fine” and even worked out. It was in times of high stress I found myself turning to alcohol, both by myself and along with others. The “alone” part is the danger zone. And I assure you, I don’t believe your body is supposed to be able to do that everyday of your life. If you are curious about your consumption and if it’s time to make a change. Pick up or listen to “Drinking A Love Story” by Caroline Knapp. She had a 20 year battle with alcoholism before meeting her demise with lung cancer in 2002 at the age of 42. She breaks down why she ran to it and how every sector of her life was affected by her addiction. Chapter 8 includes all of the questions she answered released by The National Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. These questions help you understand if you are “just socially” drinking, dabbling a little more than average or teetering on full blown alcoholic on the path to self destruction. Most alcoholics won’t answer these questions truthfully. The reality is it usually takes a catastrophic  event for an intervention to occur. For others to really see there is a problem. The addict may still think they are fine, and there may be little to convince that person otherwise  because, well… they are simply still alive. By the way, this applies to all addictions. Denial is always the first response. I answered these questions truthfully, and found that I was on the lower end of the spectrum eventually heading towards dependency if I didn’t rein it in. So I just surmised it was easier to cut it out completely. No outside help from AA, just stop cold turkey. So here I am and truthfully most days I forget how many days I’ve gone, I have to go back to the calendar and count. I guess that makes me feel good knowing I am not leaning into “ok this is day 1 Sam” kind of level however I know it doesn’t give me a pass to pick it up again. I think it is a slippery slope. Plus — I cannot afford any distractions on this growth trajectory I am on. 

Another great read. This is on the chemistry level of how alcohol interacts in your body, given to me by my friend Carrie. xo

FEAR: Forget Everything And Run

OR

FEAR: Face Everything And Rise 

(Thanks for the reminder Linda Gallagher)

You know what also applies to all addiction? A reason you turn to it. Temptation, quick fix to numb any pain, hide true emotions because that is frightening and also — hide who I really am. Fearful that I won’t be liked for being me so drinking was a way to fit in with the cool kids and do really fun cool things. Oh, and if I drink wine, that makes me more sophisticated. These are my thoughts. Not yours. If they are yours though… own them. It might be time to have a hard conversation. And I suggest doing it before more time escapes you. Covid. Double, no… a billion times heightened everyone’s demons and increased the statistics of how many people became addicted to something. A fallout from Covid is also the decreased amount of help or support one could find locally. I sigh and bow my head in disgrace that this is the case for not only almost every addiction, but for every minority and oppressed people including children in situations that they cannot escape from. That is a conversation for another blog. 

“Cause old habits die when you want to live

I don’t see the old you, I just see the new

God put you in my life for such a time as this

I don’t see the old you, I just see the new”

“New” by Lauren Daigle 

For those of you wondering, being born again doesn’t mean God fixed your afflictions or pain right away. Showing your public faith through water baptism doesn’t mean you come up out of the water “healed”. Plenty of Christians are on a walk. All of us, (born again or not) have stuff we are working through. Thank God for Him though, I had been asking Him for a long time if I had a problem and how to help me with it. He answered and began showing me the way. It was in Maine where I was journaling by the fire at night that I felt stifled with alcohol. Also, it means I have to sit with feelings. Ick. But I am getting through them. Like really understanding them and seeing what shows up because I hadn’t allowed that before. Fast track to healing. Alcohol simply wasn’t helping me get to where I want to go. Sounds silly to say because I have no idea where I am going. But I know I am not looking back, going back or trying to be stuck anywhere ever again. 

“Remember Lot’s wife.” - Jesus 

A lesson in looking back.

I am living. I keep shedding the old me. I am discovering who I am. When I look in the mirror, I love her more and more. I am loving… me. I am loving this discovery process of learning what I love, where I belong, setting boundaries. Even when it's painful. For fox sake that part really sucks, the painful realities and truths. Facing those, means I am pouring a hundred percent into every aspect of my life congruently and as an added bonus it’s seeping into the people around me, much like this might seep into some readers. Peeps, I am no longer just having a rising year. I AM ELEVATING this year. And if you aren’t interested at least supporting me … step aside. If you are interested in elevating with me, you know how to find me. Awareness: I do not need old habits clouding my judgment or hindering my growth any longer. You want to elevate, LET’S FLY. 

“And the effect of the righteous will be peace, and the result of righteousness, 

quietness and trust forever. My people will abide in a peaceful habitation,

in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.
Isaiah 32:17-19

All the “S” words that describe me without alcohol. I truly couldn’t think of anything more fun that reading a dictionary and doing a “word search”. This isn’t age talking. Secretly, I have always been this nerdy.

Truth bomb: removing alcohol has not only showed me my wonderful things I own on the inside. I am saving a ton of moola and also, my waist… it’s smaller. I am no longer stuffing my face with unnecessary broken will-power calories. I feel like my skin is thanking me from all the water I drink, I am consuming a lot less sugar. I am more present in the moment during celebrations, dinners, gatherings and outings. My senses are heightened, my self-awareness is off the charts of my surroundings. My response time and rhythm is on point with music, I am ecstatic to read more, learn more. I am absorbing more information more clearly. My anxiety has subsided. When I do feel anxious, I have other ways to manage it by praying, talking with God, and recanting scripture. After all, I owe my victories to Him. I am no longer going through the motions or needing to act cool to be cool. I am leading my life and not initiating this for praise - it is quiet and quite boring. YET it’s authentic. It’s me. No cape to pretend I am a superhero. It isn’t what’s needed anymore to be my own superhero. And you know what? Self-confidence is sexy. I stand taller. I am smarter than ever and I still have a lot to learn. Putting that into one sentence feels incredibly sexy. In a world where partying, skin and sex sells, brains are hard to come by. For wisdom leads to riches no amount of money could ever buy.

Here are a lot more “S” words describing what I believe alcohol does in me, how I felt after a regretful night. I believe I won’t be partaking again.

Thank you Katie for taking sometime to put my words into graphics like I envisioned. xo