A NEW QUIET

Early June, I took my first ever solo vacay. A road trip to Acadia National Park in Maine. I was in desperate need of a break from it all. For the first time in a really long time, possibly ever — I desired to be utterly and completely alone.  As an extrovert, a connector, and social butterfly for years… this was so unusual. And yet it was the most therapeutic, loving gift I’ve ever given myself.  It was my first trip to Maine and it won’t be my last. Maine gave me more than I could ever express gratitude for. It was there that I realized my heart needed more healing than I thought and I started getting honest about why. It was like an expedition to find pieces I had lost of this broken vessel, (my life). I had been trying to put it back together but always with the wrong pieces, and glue. 

So many ideas written down before going on this trip, nothing truly planned.

Welcome back to the Heart of Albany where I am tapping into my true potential while diving into this “awakening”. This is me sharing my heart in Albany.

~ First I credit God, His timing is always perfect. ~

Next, I credit Rick Ostroff and the books he recommended, The Walk Series by Richard Paul Evans, they’re indisputably inspiring. I met with Rick during the recent ten week campaign for Visionary of the Year for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I was a candidate and Rick was active chair. We talked about why I said yes to the campaign, how this was a rising year for me after making a massive life change and how I did not know where it would take me. How I found my faith again and how much growth I experienced  in a short amount of time. He then shared his journey with LLS. “Isn’t it funny how things coincidentally happen?” I said, upon hearing his story. Then it’s as if God said to him, “she needs direction, give her these books.” He is also not dumb. His son is writing the screenplay for the big screen so could he be biased and want local buy in? Well yes, however after reading them and hearing how these books have impacted others (the author even states this as fact in the epilogue of the last book), I now understand as they have impacted mine, greatly. If you would like to borrow them, I am happy to pass them on. Rick is stepping down as chair after this year.  Fifty years after his parents were at the forefront of starting the Upstate NY chapter. Quite a story in itself and his service to the cause can be read here.

Such easy reads, I was carried away walking with Alan.

The main character of The Walk Series, Alan Christoffersen faces a crisis as described by the author.  

“What would you do if you lost everything — your job, your home, and the love of your life — all at the same time? When it happens to Seattle ad executive Alan Christofferson, he’s tempted by his darkest thoughts. A bottle of pills in his hand and nothing left to live for, he plans to end his misery. Instead, he decides to take a walk. But not an ordinary walk. Taking with him only the barest of essentials, Al leaves behind all that he’s known and heads for the farthest point on his map: Key West, Florida. The people he encounters along the way, and the lessons they share with him, will save his life — and inspire yours.” 

I could relate to Alan. Years ago, I left a home that was in my name, a career, and relationship simultaneously and started a whole new life. That road was long and hard, it took me awhile to find my way. I didn’t know then what I know now. Last September, I did it again. I changed my whole life for a second time… oh for fox sake. **Sigh** This time wasn’t just a “this doesn’t seem right” like the first. This time was God shouting, “GET. THE. EFF. OUT!” This road has had its moments, only having my dogs, clothes, dishes and a mattress on the floor to sleep on. Which honestly - I do miss sleeping on just a mattress, it symbolized simplicity and doing the damn hard thing. Humility and freedom, a juxtaposition few experience or admit knowing. Today, I am brighter and a more vibrant version of myself. Lighter, like I lost weight but gained gold. People say I even look younger. Perhaps because when I smile - it’s a genuine one. Not one for the “stage”. I have been seeking ultimate peace, healing and righting all my wrongs. I have been on a walk of my very own and it continues, I am not done.

~ A ‘Lil ReCap ~

Since that “GET. THE. EFF. OUT!”, I was going nonstop and in so many GOOD ways. From travel, to an increase in my real estate business, reconnecting with family, establishing new friendships and reconnecting with old, and lots of networking. Midst goal setting and accomplishing so much in the different facets of my life. I was on a trajectory of enrichment, growth and becoming a better version of myself, little by little each day. I continued to immerse myself in scripture and learn God’s character, getting rooted and staying planted in fellowship with others following Christ. I explored dating. I agreed to jump into a 10-week fundraising campaign for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and began violin lessons, just to name a few activities. It became evident by mid-May that I needed a break. So many changes within changes, and I knew more changes were coming, some good, some … more like a side of blah. The good and the blah created stress. I am doing my best to make sense of it all. Writing this is much like talking things out loud so bear with me. Putting myself “out there” to do some of these things didn’t give me much time to really think smartly about them. Some a success, others I am still processing. Even so, I had just enough time to think of what was next and like Nike, “Just Do It”. And so I did. I share quickly and realize it appears as though I am glossing over them. Trust, all were part of the plan, were intentional and growth no matter the outcome. I have a lot to feel good about, zero regrets. I trust God and lean not into my own understanding as much as possible. Proverbs 3:5 ESV. 

Then, though - I met my breaking point. I couldn’t keep up. Two weeks before I left for Maine, I felt a frog in my throat daily. I felt stifled and uncomfortable. I felt unusually withdrawn. I felt lost again, thrown off course. I don’t know… I couldn’t tell if it was anxiety, disappointment, heartbreak. It was all abnormal for me, and since I mastered how to suppress feelings for years I was very self aware something was wrong. The first book of the series hit me though. If I didn’t take a solo trip and wander in nature, find new scenery and turn off the noise, my heart was never going to heal properly, ever. Like Alan I needed “out”, I needed solitude and I needed it yesterday. 

**SIGH** …FREEDOM

Now I know, I would have kept avoiding what I needed to do for me and possibly repeat past mistakes by continuously putting others needs before my own. Lord knows, I cannot repeat history. I have every intention of breaking barriers, breaking down walls I had built and starting over. For reals. I had to take time alone to figure out the “how”. People asked, “why alone?” Some were fearful of a female traveling alone. I said, “it is too damn late. I have zero fear”. It was very intentional and decisive, I didn’t care what anyone else thought, frankly. The real answer is simple though: I didn’t want to be influenced by having anyone with me or have to make decisions for others. Check in, stop here or there… basically I didn’t want to care. It was simpler to just …. go.

So after reading the first book, “The Walk”, I had 3 places booked to complete a 9 day reprieve: 2 nights in Portland, 4 nights in NE Harbor then 2 nights a little farther north in Sullivan at a house on the Mount Desert narrows that had a screened porch with views, privacy and a fire pit by the water. I was excited for these three stops and viewed them as  transitions. First, a little “city life” still around people, then nature exploration with a lighter amount of people around to then the third, complete solitude. (I am really seeing what people mean when they say that I am intentional and purposeful. Woah). Before I left, I deleted all social media from my phone and refused to sign in the whole time I was away. Aside from sporadic texts with very few people back here, small talk with strangers on trails and some deep talk with staff at the restaurants, the inn, the shops and boutiques I visited — I was off the grid. 

~Filling Space, ALONE~

In Portland, I dined at the bar wherever I ate with a book in hand. Jason and co at Copper Crow can attest to how focused I am in vibrant spaces with a book. I also found myself people watching everywhere I went in Portland. I cannot help but silently observe others and conjure up a story to entertain my imagination. I found myself talking about my journey with anyone curious enough to ask. Attractive female, by herself prompted them to ask, “where are you coming from, where are you going, why are you alone?” Honestly, I would have asked me too. Not one person had anything negative to say. All were encouraging, intrigued and some even said, “what a great idea!”

I love observing people who capture my eye and also my heart. Some snaps I share, some I keep to myself. This pic I kept to myself until now, this man tested each chair before selecting one to take in the day. I wondered what he was pondering as he gazed off into the distance the entire time I had lunch. I couldn’t help but think how nice it must be to just take space. Until this trip I didn’t know what that was like. Seeing others do it, kinda gave me inspo that I need to create that more often.

I just went back over some notes I made about Maine from quick observations. Popovers, moon pies, maple syrup and blueberries are more popular than lobster in most of the state, shockingly. The ocean will NEVER be warm, believe what you have heard. There is a heavy obsession for 90’s grunge, indie rock and melancholy hits. Every restaurant and shop had it playing. I didn’t complain, I loved it. Brought me back to a time when I had Kool-Aid dyed streaks in my hair and a skateboard. I don’t have photos… sadly. 

Jordan Pond, Acadia National Park - June 2023

Jordan Pond, Acadia National Park - June 2023. Take me back. Just to sit in stillness. God is such an artist.

Acadia had been on my bucket list for a long time. One thing is for sure, nature heals. When I stand, sit or lie down in anything non-manmade, I cannot help but think how it’s been touched by God. If you believe that too, it hits differently because His vibration touches your soul. Once it does, you crave it again and again. Everyday I journaled so much my hand hurt. I read 3 books, listened to another on Audible, caught up on Bible reading, listened to 15 podcasts, and wandered around for a bit. I looked up so many spiritual meanings from the wildlife that crossed my path, to the timing of the day for such events. There wasn’t one thing I didn’t observe or take note of. I had an acute sense of awareness for my surroundings for FOMO. 

Midway point on Cadillac Mountain, Acadia National Park - June 2023. I hopped out my car to take in the sunset through the clouds. We said hello, I pet his dog and we were chatted about this incredible view. I turned to leave and a few steps out turned back around. It is quite evident these two were made for each other. I love that I know this kind of love. This is the way dogs who love how they’re loved, show love. I miss my Tiny Beans.

I walked some of the most beautiful trails and even found myself in the clouds during a steep climb up Mount Acadia. (I thought it was fog. Haha!!) I loved the thrill of the Beehive trail which was a zig zap “climb” with iron rails and no harness, (not for anyone with fear of heights or faint of heart). The stillness of Jordan Pond, where I found a spot to write for an hour even though there were several people on the trail passing by. I ignored them so as to imagine I was by myself. I guess I was pretty focused on being “solo”.  And the terrain … imagine being in the Adirondacks except while atop the mountains you look out from the summit and see narrows, rivers or bays to one side and the vast ocean on the other. From some vantage points, I could see both views at the same time with just a 30 degree turn of my head. I prayed a whole lot, over my past, over my future, over the people who will cross my path. Over the people who have left my life. I praised even more. I placed scripture rocks everywhere I went for others to find and receive as gifts. They were tokens of my appreciation to God for having created such beauty, and for giving me the time to absorb it all. 

“That ain’t fog Sam.” LOLololllll

I am sure someone found this one by now.

And this one.

Definitely this one. :-)

Beehive got my heart rate up. When I got to the top, people were sitting and enjoying the views. And perplexed that I completed that alone. I guess that’s not “normal”. Well - nothing about anything I have done recently feels “normal”. haha…

Always on the hunt to find a place to park and read a book.

On my way to the house in Sullivan, my excitement grew thinking about building a campfire at dusk. You’ll laugh. The moment I booked this house, I watched three different videos on YouTube on how to build an outdoor fire. I was never a GirlScout, and some of you will think “wait, what!? You didn’t know how to build a fire?” If you consider using a paper wrapped log from the store or rolled newspaper and lighter fluid, then yes I did. In this instance, I wanted to learn with just wood. (I did have a lighter, I wasn’t about to go all out like a contestant on “Survivor” or “Naked and Afraid”). FYI - I also plan to learn how to change my oil and a bicycle tube to name a few things. Shout out to Craig my stepfather, my dad, who will most likely read that and not only cry that I called him my dad, but also that I want him to teach me things. Back to the campfire, I wanted to make one all by myself because I never had. My competitive edge thrived on making my campfire bigger than the one “down the river”. It had been years since I sat by a fire, city girl and all. Yes, I love campfire stories and songs with an acoustic guitar. There will be times in my future for that with people. This go round, I spent time listening to birds, writing in my journal, and seeing some wildlife including a harbor seal I had been praying to see my whole time in Maine. Like clockwork it showed up morning, noon and dusk in the same exact spot. I also had a view of the north star next to a giant fir tree, a known Maine symbol. In the dark stillness, I enjoyed the fireflies behind me. When I looked up, I enjoyed the millions of faraway fireflies that twinkled in the night sky. These moments are burned into my heart and my mind forever. A new quiet. 

All throughout Bar Harbor I kept seeing people wearing sweatshirts with a graphic of a fir tree and the north star. I looked up, there it was. I had “it” perfectly placed just so. I smiled. A lot.

I DID IT!

Finding a house to rent where I envisioned reading, writing and watching nature “showed up” for me within 3 “swipes to the left”.

~Ask, and It Will Be Given~

The week I arrived back to Albany a lot more stuff kept showing up for me. For one, I still didn’t go on socials for a good week and a half. I wasn’t ready. I also didn’t really tell a whole lot of people that I was back except for clients and co-workers. I eased my way back in to life back in Albany. I was still trying to find balance. I asked everyday for God to show me how to live this “new” life. I actually think this quiet life is the “new” me. I laugh because honestly when I sit alone in the quiet (which I have grown accustomed to more and more) I hear God speak to me more now than when atop a mountain. When I got home, I stopped procrastinating on a lot of shi — stuff I had been avoiding. That very night He bugged me to rip open a bin I needed to go through filled with items I hadn’t seen in years. More to come on that. That week I also started organizing and unpacking more. And purging… btw who needs an electric juicer? I have lived here eight months, it was time to keep making it my place. I actually bought more furniture to sit on. I bought plants and gave them names and sing to them, (that hasn’t killed them yet)! I have wall hangings, I put art in frames. For now, I have a home.

And I love being in it more than being out. 

Meet Goldie Hawn. A ray of sunshine and life of the party! My absolute favorite flower, golden calla lily.

More self-discovery since arriving home: I would rather consume information than consume wine, or consuming both simultaneously. I don’t think I can consume enough information. I am insatiably hungry for knowledge. I don’t feel complete without a book, it’s more than an accessory. Books have become companions. And I could write all night long. I use my notes in my phone at weird times when things pop into my head because I have so much to say. I currently have 10 more blogs started and daily ideas to generate more blogs. I also discovered I need perspectives from greats, from people I admire and those I don’t really care for who force me to think differently. My brain desires to be exercised. If you didn’t already know, I don’t own a television and it’s been months since I have watched anything at home even on my computer. Social media became a television for me for a bit there and even that I have limited myself to still to this day. Like anything else, it is about habits and forming a discipline around the priorities that matter to me. I don’t think any of this weird. It is normal for me. I will keep doing what fuels my nerdy, heart-filled soul. Sometimes, I just sit and watch the clouds, the birds and the world outside these enormous windows. I capture some epic photos of Mother Nature. I am in awe at how beautiful the landscape is even surrounded by tattered warehouse buildings. When the sky is painted so beautifully the blight is easy to overlook. My life is pretty simple. I love it. A new quiet.

I have enjoyed all of my walk thus far. This is a year of many firsts. I am learning to throw out my wants when my heart and head start to battle. To listen more. To look around more. All while looking up... more. My faith has elevated me so much, I have so much gratitude. I may not own a lot, however I own memories and experiences that I keep learning and growing from. I trust that I when I fall, I will always land in the stillness. My life is evolving into a new quiet as I find me, as I find balance. Though I had no real plan each day of that trip or knew what I would find, I did receive all the things I was seeking and praying for. I find myself saying “no” a lot more and hope that doesn’t come as an offense to those who ask me for time. I desire connection, and choose to be more selective of my time, how often, when and with who a lot more than I used to. I believe God is getting me ready for the next chapter of my life, whatever that looks like. As I grow, I know I will outgrow things and …even people. It will be challenging to “let go”, or maybe not. As my sweet and wise friend Melanie said, “you will feel things you haven’t felt before. It is a work in progress. Try to stay true to you & those that are meant to be in your life will be.”  Amen Mel, you’re a real one.  

Hope.

I find it within.

Especially with faith. 

With hope, everything will fall into place. 

I think I just wrote the synopsis for the Heart of Albany.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and the one who knocks it will be opened.” 

Matthew 7:7-8 ESV

**Side note: This post is about taking space alone to figure things out. As humans, we generally seek connection to know we are not really alone. Others have messaged regarding their trauma and because I share some deep feelings and thoughts, have wondered my take on therapy. I believe in therapy and not only have a therapist, I have a few therapist friends along with the man upstairs on speed dial. I encourage you find someone to talk to if you’re feeling anything you cannot process. In today’s world, I don’t know how anyone lives without God, and a good therapist.

Love and peace to you. xo