G-MA
#SamSparkle is full-o-feelings, coming out of my mind and leading with my heart more. Wow, I haven’t used that hashtag in a long time. Perhaps my heart wants everyone to know that even one of the most sun shiniest people has cloudy moments. Social media has a funny way of making you think you need to be a rock all the time even when stuff gets real — and it gets real, real quick and real often. I have fallen trap to portraying myself as a constant ray of light on socials even when I am clearly not ok. I used to be too eager to be someone else’s ray of light when I couldn’t muster up the energy to do it for myself. However I am not offering anything to anyone unless it comes from truth in my heart. When my clouds roll in, I am not going to uncover any sun for others just because I am known as #SamSparkle. And frankly, it was only me who cared to put that face on anyway. Most people on the real know it is ok to not be ok. However, those same people may not be brave enough to say something about it. My inner critic is quieting down a whole lot more because I am learning to lead my own charge. Not other peoples’ feelings or what I think their perspective of me will be. My feelings matter. Letting them flow. Anyone who puts rules on your feelings… walk away from them. They aren’t rooting for you to win. They are fearful you’ll wake something in them they aren’t ready to face.
It has been a FULL year, many wins along with a lot of losses. People come and go, some unexplainable, some I choose to walk away from, and some because of life’s mysterious cycle. The one thing that they all have in common, they all have been on God’s timeline. Let it happen. Let them go. Process the pain and have gratitude for the purpose they were there to begin with. The more I share my heart, the more people reach out to me to connect in person because they feel seen, heard and also want me to know I am not alone. It’s pretty amazing how authenticity actually makes for better relationships even through two dimensional social media platforms. It’s even better taking those relationships to the next level from online to offline. And though I don’t choose to air out all of my feelings all of the time, I have come to appreciate people who do. We aren’t robots and just because someone is having a bad day doesn’t mean they live there. And if they do, it doesn’t mean I have to live there with them. However when someone is in need, being a lifeline is of high calling. Pay attention and give them what they need, you might just be their only hope to getting the real help they need.
I recently started using video to document myself processing my thoughts and feelings out loud, especially through the grieving process I am currently experiencing. I recently lost my grandmother and this loss is unique, deep, it’s a real grave loss. Writing has helped me better understand what I’m feeling and where the feelings are coming from. Seeing and hearing it on video is a whole new level. As I re-watch the videos it is helping me learn from my reactions, how I cognitively formulate the words and reasoning so that I can find the right words to associate the feelings. It may sound really basic, child-like even. How could a grown adult not understand emotions? Well, when someone such as myself has subscribed to toxic positivity for so long, where plowing through one mountain to scale another while making it look easy was only easy because I was pushing feelings aside. It is truly unhealthy. Recording and watching is a little unorthodox, yes, however I am not afraid to try things that elevate my growth and increase my emotional intelligence. I remember recording my yoga practice. You aren’t supposed to be watching yourself in real time while doing yoga as it's a practice of feeling your body through the counterbalance and flow. I loved watching the videos though to see my progress. Over time I could see how my awareness of my alignment helped me improve and correct a pose. The improvement was astounding. I have recently started to do this with my violin practice too, thinking how cool it will be to see my improvement in a year's time. It only made sense to me to start recording and view myself working out my thoughts and feelings, causing me to be more self aware. If I am looking to improve the quality of my relationships, then doing this shall be no different than anything else I have done. I also experienced something so profound that I share at the end.
Speaking fluidly on feelings and why I am feeling a certain way is keeping it real and putting the ego at bay. It is unfiltered, therefore no bias in my mind that an audience is going to critique what I am saying and this is strictly therapeutic for me. It is actually doing so much for me. It’s helping me ask the right questions in prayer too so I find the right answers to help me heal. It’s helping me get my thoughts and feelings out verbally so I can write more in depth and express myself better, clearly and concisely. I am learning how to put my feelings into words so I can speak congruently, with intentionality. I believe that having hard conversations won’t be as hard with others when I am clear and being more direct in what I seek, free of fear and this will ultimately increase the value of my relationships and friendships. True growth in emotional intelligence.
I believe the severity of this loss comes harder at times because it’s made me pause and reflect on how much loss I have experienced this year that may have snowballed. I don’t believe I have fully processed all of them. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a year with so much loss in a short amount of time. Yet I have such peace. It is quite unexplainable. Today, I want to honor my G-ma, short for grandma - she was my step-dad’s mom. My parents have been married 25 years, so I can drop the step and call her my dad’s mom, my grandma. She is the only grandma I’ve ever really known. She passed on September 2, 2023. I type this with huge tears of sorrow and immense gratitude. I don’t have any explanation for such mixed feelings. The overwhelm just pours from my heart, leaks from my eyes and rather than having a hole in my heart, I am feeling love WITH my whole heart. It is completely possible and quite alright to feel more than one emotion at once. Having gratitude through the sorrow, the joy through the pain.
I am sitting in the middle of Uncommon Grounds in Stuyvesant Plaza and rummaging through my enormous bag looking for a tissue while laughing. So much for being cool, calm and collected as tears stream… my former stoic self would be embarrassed and tell myself to stop crying and I would wipe the tears, compose myself and look around to be sure no one was running over to help me. Right now, no. It’s flowing. Grief, it comes and goes, sometimes in fast turbulent waves. Others like soft ripples. Either way I sit, feel, watch and listen to my heart as it speaks when it needs to. Then I pray, and God’s peace washes over me and I am reminded of His goodness. By the way, don’t EVER let anyone tell you to stop crying, or not to cry. That messaging is one of the terrible reasons so many people are avoidant of relationships and hide from being in love. I digress… for now.
I was so fortunate to mend my relationship with my parents this year. They moved in with my grandparents and have cared for them for the past six years. My mom retired from Kingsway Manor, a senior residential facility and started caregiving for them. It is her calling, she is good at caring for people. She has a soft touch and gentle yet big heart. It is really wild to me that these last 25 years have blown by without me giving her proper credit. I cannot believe how much we are alike. In some good ways, some bad and some indifferent. And there are things that used to drive me crazy about her that now I admire so much and wonder why I hadn’t acquired that outlook and behavior sooner. And those same things are things that I am and always have been — so here we are. I am my mothers daughter. The time I was able to spend with my grandma this year and more regularly during her hospice care is a gift. I thank God everyday for His perfect timing. For guiding me to this point in my life where I love more than I ever have and I understand who and how to love with more vibrancy. I wasn’t on the right frequency before. It all starts with family.
“To Samantha, my dear granddaughter. My left hand shakes so bad you may have a problem reading this. At this writing I am 89 years old. I wanted to leave you something worthwhile so I decided my personal study Bible would be the most personal item I have. As we all grow up through our teen age years we all try to find our way through life. You are now a beautiful young lady, so proud you are a fine Christian lady. As you enjoy reading God’s word, remember my love for you and I am waiting for you in heaven. Much love always, Grandma Shirley Fellows.” Her and I both cried as I choked out the words reading through my tears. What I would give to hold her hand one more time. I love you grandma. You are missed and you are loved too.
Shortly after reconnecting with my parents, my G-PA had passed away a few weeks later on February 21, 2023. At that time, I was grieving the loss of my oldest dog, Biggie. I had already said goodbye to my bff dog Tiny in November, my birthday weekend. This was after an 8 year relationship was coming to a close, and not knowing what the future held for the little boy I had in my life that was like a son. Today, I don’t see the little boy, all things changed that I thought once were and that leaves a hole. A big one. I trust my faith that he knows the impact we had on each others lives were for a reason. I hope that he understands people are not disposable and that everyone serves a purpose and they are valuable, that he too is valuable.
This year I have also lost a friends father who I adored, a couple of great aunts that were a large part of my moms life and shed some excess baggage of toxic "frienenemies”. Loss is loss, its never a true win because someone always loses unless you are the one taking back your power. That’s a true win.
Focusing on the positive of this year and regaining my family. I get to remember the time spent and shared before my grandma went to heaven. I get to open her Bible and reflect on her favorite verses, read her little notes she made in every direction and with the most perfect cursive handwriting. I get to wear her vibrant colored sweaters and think of her and how soft they are. I can wear her coats and think of her whenever it’s time to stay warm. She had the nicest taste. She enjoyed keeping herself groomed, proper and dainty. We might not be blood, however as a woman who loves fashion and style, I can certainly appreciate her class. And beyond that, her wisdom, her strength and resiliency in raising four children and keeping her faith. She loved seeing me way back then and loved seeing me this year. I will always remember her smile and her dry humor. She was happy to see my mom and I reunited. One of her last days the three of us held hands, and my mom and I urged her to know how much we love her. That is a moment I thank God for, because it was a gift and I received it so openly and freely when at one time I would have ran out the door. And now, no one could ever take that away from us. We made sure she knew that none of this was a burden.
She was there to pick out my moms wedding gown 25 years ago. She and my grandpa were more parents to my mom than she had ever experienced her whole life. My mom had a rough upbringing, and it never got her down. It is a dream of mine to tell my moms story, and I will. My mom is like the energizer bunny, no idea how she kept her wits about her. My grandparents knew all that came before my mom and accepted her as their daughter-in-law without judgment because their son was so happy with her. It’s funny how God works. When His love washes over you, you don’t need an explanation. Things just are. Which leads me to what I experienced during my recordings.
BUT GOD
It is no secret that I have a deep love and faithful relationship with Jesus. He has my whole heart. Well, I was rewatching one of the videos where tears were falling uncontrollably while I was talking about how much it hurts to say goodbye. Without sobbing, I could hardly get every word out however the river of tears just flowed. The moment I started reciting scripture, the tears stopped, the light returned to my eyes and a calm came over my words… my whole body language changed. I was able to articulate my thoughts thereafter. It was like a peace came over me and I was no longer sad. I don’t know how to describe how I felt watching this, a little bit of awe and a lot of bewilderment. Then I remembered, my God is greater than my problems so He can do anything, even wipe the tears from my eyes. There is no prescription drug cheaper than the love of God.
LIFE LESSONS
Cry. Smile. Do both at the same time. It’s quite alright.
When you think of someone, tell them.
When you love someone, show them.
When you have wronged someone, make it right.
Be present in this moment, right now. Now is all we have.
Be ok with uncomfortable. Then do more uncomfortable things.
People show you who they are. Pay attention.
Lip service will always be lip service.
Know the difference between being nice, and being kind.
Know when to walk away. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.
Also, the definition of insanity hasn’t changed either. :-)
You can still love from way over there. You do not need to be “here” if it isn’t serving you.
Boundaries aren’t meant for them, they’re for you. It’s still a form of love even if they don’t understand. Remove guilt and shame for loving yourself, first.
When you don’t have answers right away, have patience. They always arrive right on time. Just like prayers, questions are always answered.
THINGS THAT FUEL THE SOUL
Be weird anytime.
Color outside the lines.
Laugh at your own jokes.
Watch black and white movies.
Dance in the rain. Let the sun dance on you.
Speak softly, show kindness and be gentle to yourself.
Feel the breeze on a boat, stick your arm through the sunroof while driving.
Be loud and extra when you feel it because that’s a whole vibe.
Ignore social media, turn off the phone for more than an hour a day.
Do it for longer the next day. Maybe once a week you do it for a whole day.
Don’t confuse quiet for boredom — peace is hard to come by in a loud world.
Say no just because. Because that’s your power.
Say yes just because. Because that’s your power.
Encourage a stranger. Encourage your best friend.
Dream for 5 minutes a day, then next week 10. Write them all down.
Find gratitude in the pain, there is always a lesson. Every pain has a purpose.
Your future self is smiling. Picture it. Now go make them proud. If not now, when?
