CLOSED

Konrad (photog) could have told me that my sleeve was untied. He didn’t. Oh well. He better have brought me a gift from Spain.

Let me clarify. I am intentionally single.

Not interested in dating one guy or several. 

I am serious. 

Not casually. No situation-ships.

Not even open to window shopping. 

You laugh. I am smiling.

This heart in Albany is happy to say I am embracing this solo time free of distractions. Who I used to run to, I run from and frankly — I don’t have space for any man other than Jesus. Time is moving along and I have no desire to stop it. I have been filling it with faith, family, friends and clients along with a lot of “me” time. I have been renovating my “house” for this heart to live in. I have started with the foundation, building my values and utilizing a lot of self-awareness increasing my emotional intelligence. Day by day I am building a fortress complete with an alarm system, my support system, which are the people who throw me love and encouragement on this journey. You know who you are. Those of you who walk beside me. Our time together is a most cherished gift that I cannot touch because it lives in my heart. I still don’t know where this is going. Only time will tell…

Speaking of time, before I decided to “close” I realized I got caught up living in stick houses that couldn’t survive storms. I turned to temporary love built on lust thinking it would last and overextended myself and my stay. A very hard lesson. The undoing is even harder. Not undoable, just harder. I was essentially building homes in other peoples straw huts that were built in sand on a tropical island during a hurricane. My own home wasn’t stable before shacking up with them trying to stabilize theirs before these storms. Now, I am taking time to learn which quality materials to use to rebuild my own home on solid ground. I have poured a concrete foundation for the most important thing in my life is my faith. God is my firm foundation. I have been stacking the bricks to build strong exterior walls. The roof is framed and the rooms will follow. This may take some time. I am not in a hurry because I know haste makes waste. Quality takes time and I am all-in on the investment. I am enjoying the present moment because there is a reason God has placed me right where I am. He knows what is good for me, I trust Him.

I am building a home that is unique and so very special. I will be able to retreat to it no matter where I go “out there”. The value is high so it already has a fortress and a secret passcode to enter. Not everyone will get an invitation to dinner. This goes for all relationships, not just the intimate kind. I get to design and decorate the rooms as I wish. They will resemble all of Samantha Parker, just as I have made my physical peaceful home here in Albany. This home is a place to get grounded, safe and most importantly — be complete. Some amenities (standards) will be non-negotiable, some with dimmer lights since some things in life have to be flexible. Then there are my core values and boundaries, (my rules to live by). I recite them so they become ingrained in me. Nothing takes precedence over them. And my boundaries are naturally set because of these rules, they are self-saving, not to be taken as selfish by others. I view boundaries more and more as a form of “love”. Love for myself and the reason someone else may need to evaluate their own self-love, their boundaries. The other rooms are meant for surrendering, compassion, forgiveness, clarity, self-love and more. As a recovering people pleaser, this has been so vital in formulating a deep peace within. I had little to no boundaries before and used to take others as a personal offense. Now, I feel no reason to justify why, for this is who I am. I respect myself with all of these and know that as they ooze from my being, the respect is automatically flashed back to me. This is mighty powerful. There is not a flick of arrogance for this is confidence. How is anyone ever to respect me if I don’t respect me?

This season is one of building new habits and trying new hobbies. I get to decide what I love to fill my time with, and with who. And I will not entertain someone else’s weigh-in on any of it. It is a whole new world for me. It is my mission to live wholly and happy for the rest of my life. Even when I decide to build a home with someone else. This peace I shall protect, this new way of living can only be enhanced by allowing the right flow of people in. For God has BIG plans for my life. I surrender on the daily to Him because how dare I try to control destiny. Surrendering is a game changer. In a loud world where everyone has something to say, every room of my home is cloaked in silence and peace. That peace has helped me become more decisive in what spaces I show up in and how. My identity today is stronger and will be well… forever. 

I have stopped explaining that I don’t drink anymore. It’s been 4 months and however many days. The old me used to over explain any decision I made to feel validated. Quite honestly I don’t feel the need any longer. Here I am. I don’t drink, folks. The end. I have been cutting out other stuff too. Coffee just isn’t working for me anymore, not even decaf. I stopped taking melatonin for sleep and am really loving Harney & Sons Deep Sleep Hemp Moringa tea in the evening. It is a game changer. I am leaning towards cutting out red meat, dairy and gluten. I drink 75 or more ounces of water a day. I read more labels and seek more whole food. I firmly believe health begins with your gut and what you put in your body. My biggest struggle right now is dark chocolate, as in I eat a lot of it currently! Especially with sea salt or peanut butter.

All this learning and all these changes and it’s not even out of disgust. It is all out of love, for myself. Oh geez… I haven’t even mentioned how I am falling in love with myself. Hear me out… The mere thought of that used to sound silly to me and make me feel selfish. Not now! I am truly falling in love with ALL of myself, my strengths AND my flaws. All of the things I cannot change and the things I am aware of to work on. I hope that what I share here comes off more as a way for you to think of yourself differently too. Perhaps it inspires you not to be so hard on yourself. For me, this is an exciting adventure. I buy myself flowers every week. I speak kindly to myself when I make a silly mistake. I compliment myself in the mirror when I get ready. I tell the woman I see that I love her. I take note of things I haven't paid attention to like how I have dimples when I smile. I smoosh them to see if they go away and giggle when they come right back and at that point, they’re even bigger! Very innocent stuff right here. I am like a child discovering my body for the first time. Have you ever done something like that? It’s actually quite refreshing, thinking and playing like a child. I cannot quite describe how it makes my heart feel. When did I get so serious?

BTW - Did I share yet that I love my smile? I hope you’re smiling more just reading that! My teeth are somewhat crooked too and I love them, they are mine. My lips have a beautiful shape where I know injections could never ever make them more perfect. I love my smile. What do you have about you that you love? Don’t focus on the thing you dislike. I am discovering that the more things I find to love about me, the flaws I used to list and think negatively on are lovable now too. This world needs more of your love. It starts with you loving ALL of you first though. THIS, this is where I am. I am LOVE. I love to GIVE love. I don’t know why I denied myself of my own love for this long. We are all given beauty in our own way, why hide behind insecurity?

The day after I started writing about smiling for this blog, “smile” was the Wordle of the Day. God is pretty slick.

By the way, I truly believe there is nothing more beautiful on someone than a genuine smile. One not conjured up or forced for a snap in an awkward pose for the purpose of fakebook. An authentic genuine gorgeous smile will always be one free of pressure and caught candidly. In my opinion it won’t be anything AI or airbrushing can replace. The kind of smile where no amount of makeup can add more happiness to the eyes. I hope that as I age, I get the kind of wrinkles that show just how much smiling I did, a true sign of a life well-lived. Did I already say that I love my smile? I love to smile. I love the way smiling makes me feel. I love that I am afforded this time to learn about the things that make me smile more. My smiles fill my home, they fill my cup. And I am effortlessly finding myself doing more things naturally that make me smile. I find myself around more people that make me smile. 

Are you doing something everyday that makes you smile?

My plants make me smile, especially when I greet them in the morning. I water them to music, I sing to them. Singing makes me smile, even out of tune. Though I really think with some vocal lessons I could “make it big”. I kiss their beautiful leaves when I clean them. I speak to them softly, encouraging them to grow. When I touch their leaves gently between my fingers I compliment them. “Oprah you are looking stronggg!” She is a beautiful ficus that just sprouted a new, bold leaf. I keep her by my desk to inspire my writing, to get more curious about humanity and face adversity. The real Oprah has always been encouraging to me. Her presence is strong yet gentle, her perseverance when people have said no she said yes to herself. Her take-no-stuff-from-nobody attitude is a whole vibe. As a Communication Major, she most certainly influenced my life. All of my plant children are named after super strong, high personalities and influential women to me.

Meet my monstera named Tara Leigh-Cobble. Her Bible plan on the YouVersion Bible App just crossed over the 300 millionth download mark, that’s a lot of downloads! I am following her along in my reading of the Bible daily. BTW ~ Mel, who knew I would love being a plant mom? Most of my gals came from George’s in Latham. I am probably going to head out and get more soon.

Being solo also affords me the time to do the self work necessary in order to grow my faith, in building better habits personally and professionally. I read quite a bit. I read while walking on the treadmill, in the quiet at home or I find a good bench in between appointments. I will bring a blanket to the park to soak in nature, the sun and find peace. Reading makes me smile. I enjoy self development, faith based books, both Bible focused or nonfiction, and business enhancement books. I set out to read the Bible cover to cover this year in chronological order and just completed the Old Testament. What an accomplishment! I am happy to be in the New Testament, and honestly, I really look forward to reading the Old Testament again. I see the beautiful love story unfolding before my very eyes widening my heart and deepening my faith. 

I am currently re-aligning my thought process and working with a mindset coach. The major shifts in everything I approach and do are completely amazing. I giggle and smile even at the subtle shifts. A true nod to the discipline and hard work I put in. Watching what I say and using positive words in every sentence, in every thought. By process of elimination, it has been helping me make quick decisions based on my standards and rules. MY standards and rules, in MY house with my firm foundation. In such a short amount of time, my thoughts have shifted, my language more purposeful and my use of time is way more intentional. I find myself smiling more because alignment in motion is like watching a conductor and symphony’s choreography in complete unison, and succinctly the music pours out. I don’t always get it right and in those instances I think of Pastor Jordan Durso who recently used the atonal note analogy. In music there is a “passing note” also known as an atonal note. It is the note played after the musician plays the wrong note by mistake. A skilled musician will know which atonal note to play because they have a trained ear and have prepared for such a time. Like the atonal note, it matters to me what I do next when I make a mistake. That is where all of this hard work comes into play and the alignment in motion supersedes the initial action. With my deep faith and applied knowledge comes true wisdom. Again, I am smiling. Who knew the “cool” girl was paying attention, a good student and such an expressive literary nerd?

All of this learning is forcing me to look at instances and situations from my past and how I can learn from them and grow. When I’m facing the murky stuff like the mistakes I have made that weren’t so “pretty”. It hasn’t hurt as much as it did a few months ago to face those things. Now they make me laugh, “Yep, I did that.” “That too.” Resiliency is born out of self-awareness, self-development and establishing a growth mindset as opposed to relying on a fixed mindset. I am taking ownership and responsibility, that is one thing many are not capable of. And for a long while I couldn’t. I know it. The only way for me to grow is not to hide from it, and to run through it. “It was ugly. I am not proud of that. And here’s why I did that. I forgive you Samantha. Here is what to do next time, remember the atonal note.” I am working on cutting out the bad habit of talking over or interrupting people mid-sentence. This is a small instance, however it’s one that can create a monumental divide in any relationship. What an awful habit. It would be out of excitement or because I feared I would forget something I desperately needed to share. As if what I have to say is more important? No. Or that I thought I could finish their sentences because I am so smart, (shhhh ego, settle down!). What a devaluing terrible habit. It can alter the other person’s energy and force them from a safe space, one of inclusion to one of retreat. Since God created me for greatness and not to play small, I have to do better at making my relationships stronger, not pushing people away in the process. Granted, I make really really great relationships. However there is always room for improvement. So, I listen more. More than I ever have my entire life. There is power in silence when holding space for someone in their pain. It’s more than compassion, it’s walking beside them and not through them. I need that atonal note with Jesus, he helps me more with that everyday so that when I do speak, it holds weight.

Imagine what speaking kindly to yourself can do? Can you picture me singing to my plants. That just made me smile.

Being present in the moment is also key in this process. This is also making me smile a whole lot. In order to do so, I fully accept with whole gratitude this day because it is a gift. I didn’t make this day, or wake my own eyes. To me, waking up is a complete miracle. I enjoy it for now is all that is guaranteed. I can’t spend any time on trying to control destiny when it isn’t mine to control. And the past is already done. Now is such a beautiful gift. How many of us out there always want what we don’t have? To trade places with someone? Well not me. Not anymore. I am perfectly content where I am, with who I am in this season, especially since my heavenly Father tells me I lack nothing and I believe Him. He makes me smile because I know that whatever I seek and desire, He will fulfill. I trust in His timing because I know it is and always will be absolutely unmistakably perfect when it does all come together. Whatever it is. I don’t want to do anything for anyone especially Him just to receive something in return. That isn’t love. Love genuinely comes from me being me. Nothing more, and nothing less. Sidenote: I hope that when I say I love you, you take it and receive it as a whole gift. Please know I don’t expect you to say it back. I say it to those I believe need to hear it. It doesn’t need a response. Matter of fact, if no one has told you lately that you are loved. Please accept these words for yourself, whole-heartedly, I love you. May you feel the warmth and glow from someone who genuinely wishes you peace, joy and the kind of love that isn’t seeking anything from you. Just pure love. Do you see how being present in the moment affects the outcome of finding peace? If you have read this far, it is because you were also meant to be here with me right now.

Please do not think that this intentional singleness is because I subscribe to the idea that there are no good men out there or that I am stonewalling true love. Truthfully, I see a lot of broken, scarred and scared men and women not putting the time and effort into healing themselves before seeking any sort of attachment or relationship claiming they just want to settle down and get married. I see people avoiding putting in the time to look inward to avoid the same patterns and hurting others and worse, themselves. I mean, if you’re going to be sure, it’s best to start by being honest with yourself about what you truly desire in and from a partner. I see a whole bunch of boundaryless, trauma inflicted, hurt people. I was one of them. People need healing AND connection. It’s work and I see a lot of lazy people! I don’t consider myself healing anymore. I consider myself “living”, thriving even while building my home. Language sets a tone, so if I keep saying I am healing, will I ever be “healed”? It is a lifelong process, yes, it isn’t finite however growth is an infinite mindset. So, yes I believe people can be healed from trauma as long as they continue to grow. The wounds may have caused scars, and the scars are beautiful reminders that hurt people don’t have to hurt people. Hurt people can now heal people.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I think dating is completely played out. I don’t subscribe to people’s rules over what “dating” should look like or feel like. Dating to me screams: “Here today, gone tomorrow”. Date just to pass time, get bored and move on. Learn something not to like about someone and now all bets are off. Move onto the next. I get that most are looking for connection. To feel wanted or real love. Do we even know what real love is though, besides a really good Mary J Blige song? Secure people seem to have a deep understanding of their core values and what love is to them. I valued and measured not only myself by things of this world, I also measured my partners by things of this world. When I think about it, that isn’t love, or respect. How is anyone going to respect me if I don’t respect myself first or have my own core values? How is anyone going to love all of me, including my quirks if I don’t acknowledge and love them too? Seeking my worth in men, in sex, or anything of this world is very devaluing. It makes me smile knowing this now, that I don’t have to live that way. I choose to live knowing I am enough and I know that good isn’t something to settle for. Greatness is.

This world tells us that if we don’t get enough love on social media then we are nobody. This world tells us that if we don’t show enough skin we won’t get attention, and that two dimensional attention is somehow more important than tangible companionship with a real life person who loves you in sweats just as you are. This world tells us that we have to prove success by how much we own or we aren’t somebody. This world tells us that we aren’t socially accepted unless we have multiple designer handbags or large homes or memberships to exclusive clubs with high priced fees. This world tells us that if we stay quiet and don’t offend anyone that more people will like us and we will fit in. This world tells us that in order to receive what we want we have to give something, if and only when. This world tells us that we have to rub elbows and name drop to feel a sense of worth because only then will we have clout or esteem, and clout and esteem is somehow much stronger than your word. What happened to “your word is bond”? It implies that action is necessary yet I don’t see a lot of action behind lip service. This world tells us “everyone else is doing it and if you don’t, then you are the weird one.” The coercion of power and sex and the evil of this world can make the powerless feel even smaller. Anxiety, doubt and fear are rampant due to the lack of love, compassion and understanding that even respect can go a long way no matter the color of skin, social or economic status and where you live. So be different. Think differently. Leave the herd.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control.” 2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

Consider my rambling weird? My weirdness is wise, intentional and I clearly have a lot to say. At one time, I actually thought I was supposed to do all this learning and growing with someone, before having it all figured out. I still don’t have it all figured out. However I know that doing this alone leaves no room for confusion. Speaking of confusion, one boundary, or rule I am setting is that I will not be holding space alone with a man unless he is my husband. I have wrestled with this for a long time. I believe there is some validation and truth to being “Old Fashioned”. And speaking of Old Fashioned, I recently saw this movie with my parents. It is a rather sweet movie and I adore the theories the lead character Clay possesses. At this point in my life it makes complete sense to me. In a world full of temptation and must “do’s” to fit in, be loved or be cool. I am happy to walk away from the 99. Now I am smiling, because I like this weird me.

If you’re digging this vibe, know it is a monumental glow up that has taken some time. It is internal, external, ethereal and eternal… I am showing up… for me as me. And how beautiful will it be when someone's values meet and match mine where it’s effortless. I don’t imagine it will even feel like dating is necessary. It will be an understood symbiosis much like the conductor and the symphony. The right person will love God just as much as I do, and honor me wholly. I am not in any rush to meet this person, I really love where I am. I am right where I am meant to be.

Jump off the hamster wheel of a fixed mindset if you want to flourish in all aspects of your life, including but not limited to relationships.

Do you like books? Here are a few suggestions that I have read (some twice) to inspire a growth mindset if you are seeking more for your life: 

The Mountain is You by Brianna Weist - The victory over the battle against self-sabotage.

The Pivot Year by Brianna Weist - Daily paragraphs to help move you from “there” to “here”. Do not skip ahead, read them one day at a time and in order.

Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves - A self-improvement for all relationships via communication and action taking an inward approach.

The Journey to Wholeness by Suzanne Stabile - Grounding yourself from within. 

You Are More Than You Have Been Told by Hosanna Wong - Encouraging for those who have ever been told they were something other than who they were made to be. 

Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown - The best I have ever read in defining all emotions from a scientific to literal level based on a very well organized study.  

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - How people form attachments in intimate relationships stemming from childhood interactions with parents and caregivers. 

Untamed by Glennon Doyle - A how-to break the mold, be yourself - ignore what others think. inspo with many short stories completely relatable and not talked about enough.

The Reason for God by Timothy Keller - A quintessential read for Christians, non-Christians, and Atheists. A complete study from a man who turned his back at one time on Christianity to learn other religions fully so as to explain the differences and answer all of those questions most have. He cites more books than anyone I have ever encountered and all to help demystify God and Jesus.