YOU DID IT!
This pic was taken in October 2022 with the Peak Team. I was mid-transition, smiling through the pain. No real home yet. “Fake it ’til you make it”, dust yourself off + have no idea what’s in store type of stuff. Here I am, I DID IT.
It is July, midway point of 2023. This is my voice, my life, my story ~ this Heart of Albany. I am uncovering personal revelations, acknowledging now that I am walking and writing my way to healing. I am lifting the veil to what this “awakening” I am experiencing is. You won’t find that I have used Chat GPT here, however that would be a lot easier for me to default to rather than getting real about my life experiences. Some of my deepest thoughts may be someone else’s innermost thoughts and they are having difficulty processing them and/or taking action. Some of what I say may come across a little self righteous. I acknowledge this and say I have good reason.
“IF NOT NOW, WHEN” - Rachel Hollis
If you are thinking something is VERY wrong in your personal or professional world, this blog post is for YOU. I want you to know that whatever “it” is, it’s most likely very wrong for you. You’re probably hiding somewhere off in the corner away from anyone who can even hear your thoughts. Even the most strong secure person fails to recognize when things are bad, even those experienced with forced or chosen life changes. I don’t need to know your story to say this. WAKE THE EFF UP. You need to explore that voice further, that is — if you are ready to be honest with yourself. If you take anything at all from this entire post, please take with you “if not now, when!?” You will find that it is applicable in everything in your life. Side Note: I am not talking about some small tweak like how you messed up yesterday’s meal plan or how you can’t believe you just bought a shirt you hate. I am talking to those of you questioning and doubting something monumental in your life. Like a relationship, friendship, an addiction, a family member, work environment … whatever “it” is that has a hold on you. It is time to face it.
**And please ~ if your safety is at risk and you need more help, seek the appropriate authorities/professionals.
IT STARTS WITH YOU
Perhaps you have tried to find every possible solution, or worse …excuse. Perhaps denial “feels” good because acknowledgement means change is inevitable and change means work. I know because I have been there several times. Truth Bomb: it is NEVER a convenient time to make a life change AND no one is going to do it for you. This world doesn’t wait for you. It is fleeting, and so is time. This is going to be hard. It is going to make you feel like your heart is bleeding out onto all of the things you don’t want messy. You might wail on your hands and knees alone or not, and at the most inopportune times. And possibly on more than one occasion. You are going to feel like you made a mistake. It is most likely going to make you think you need to run back to “it” because it’s “comfortable”, because it is known. Is it scary? Absolutely. You have to choose between two dark paths. Path Number One: It may not seem dark when things seem “good” so you stay and keep living in the same “place”. You’ll most likely find yourself asking the same questions again, and again when things don’t seem to be changing. You can lie to yourself, put the face on and pretend everything is ok. I know that well. Path Number Two is dark too. So dark. I invite you to let your curiosity run wild though. Where that path could lead you. It could lead you back to where you are, I hope not. It could lead you to a temporary oasis. Sure. A distraction… possibly. Maybe the second path leads you to other paths. Have you ever closed your eyes in the quiet and envisioned your happy place? Drowned out the noise and rested for more than 5 minutes. Breathe in, breathe out deeply and dream. What if the second path leads you to the most beautiful, most heavenly place you couldn’t possibly envision, even in this dream? What if it is beyond what you think is safe, beyond what you believe to be “normal”? Beyond where you are now. How would you ever know?
IN ORDER FOR DARKNESS TO EXIST THERE MUST BE LIGHT
It takes courage to step out into the unknown. Trust that you will be carried through. You will be delivered to the next destination, and probably another after that, and another after that, God willing. There will be a light eventually, and if you don’t see one - make one. Even if it’s as small as a pinhole, it’ll enlarge in due time. It will shine so brightly it might even blind you and maybe when you aren’t even paying attention. My hope for you is that it is brighter than a lighthouse beacon at midnight during the most clear of skies and calm of seas. When you see it, don’t look away. Keep going. That bright light will feel so warm, and you will feel so many mixed emotions. You may even believe you have “arrived”. Just remember, that if it isn’t good now, it isn’t over. And even when it is good, your work may not be done. However when it feels warm, when it smells sweet and not pungent, when it tastes divine - I hope you celebrate with the most sumptuous oblation. And remember to keep going. You will have to take what you have learned to grow stronger. I hope you realize that no one needs your explanation, your apologies for making a change or for making a mess in others lives in doing so. Pieces get picked up. Others figure out what they need to do when you are no longer concerned with their how and only consumed by your why. And every step of the way, I want you to remember to give yourself a high-five in the mirror, like my colleague Dale suggests. You deserve it. It is of paramount importance that you think of YOU. This change you’re about to make may be the most freeing, most rewarding and most honorable thing you ever do for you. Don’t look back. And grant yourself a “YOU DID IT”. And guess what? Whether or not you have a level of monophobia, you were never alone.
“For thus says the Lord, ‘You will not see wind or rain, but that streambed shall be filled with water, so that you shall drink, you, your livestock, and your animals’.” 2 Kings 3:17
I don’t know if you believe. However, I believe you don’t have to see Him to know He has been with you. Even in the drought, He is working. Don’t fear the dark — it will be light again.
YOU MATTER. YOU ARE GREATER THAN YOUR FEARS. YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE SET APART.
I set fire to 2022 and welcomed 2023 as my RISING year in January. It’s July, now I am setting fire to everything I had ever known and lighting a fire within. I am more than the vision I had of the fiery phoenix rising out of the ashes from 2022. This awakening is more than that. I am finally becoming who I was always called to be. It’s as if I am walking to home plate for my very first swing in my first inning of my very first real game. My whole life has been practice in the neighborhood ball park. I wouldn’t say I am big league material, more like the minors. Kaylee, I am “waiting for mine”. My life verse is memorized and the idea of waiting makes me say it out loud often.
“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.” Psalms 62:5-7
If you are anything like me, like most of us, you don’t like waiting either. I used to want answers now, the need to know what is next. Who I am today is a far better version of who I once was and though I will stumble at times, I will never ever really fall. I cannot be broken any further than I was. I am at the most secure I have ever felt in my life. I am the healthiest in my mind and spirit that I have ever known. I am learning how to uncover and break through barriers that confined me, even the ones in my own mind. I am DOING it.
Correction — I DID IT. I chose Path Number Two. I would again, and again and again. As I make more changes in my life and continue to grow I will choose the path less traveled, and seek to understand what I had shut out. And say this with me, “until God opens the next door, you’ve got to praise Him in the hallway.” ~ Nicky Gumbel
